Who received an A in their grammar class?

[Kwak]

Couldn't think of a catchy subject name..


Could anyone check the grammar(s) of this letter I am going to send to a lawyer. If you can edit anything so that it will sound more professional, then thank you very much.
Any improvements, I will appreciate.

To Lawyer:


The two entrance doors have been severely damaged because of intruders trying to break inside the building when the business was closed. The damages caused by the intruders caused both entrance doors inoperable. Therefore, immediate attention was mandatory for both doors since the building was vulnerable to future break ins.
I have replaced both doors at my expense. I have enclosed a copy of the invoice and would like to be compensated.
Due to the uprising temperature inside the building, most of products are being affected. Please install an air-conditioning system inside the building, to elevate the proper room temperature during the daytime. The air conditioning system needs immediate attention and further delays will have a negative outcome for the business.


Regards,

Name

[DarkDelight.net]

Maybe something like this:

To Lawyer:


The two entrance doors have been severely damaged by intruders attempting to gain entrance to the building whilst the business was closed. The damages caused by the intruders rendered both entrance doors inoperable. Immediate attention was mandatory for both doors since the building was vulnerable to future break-ins.
I have replaced both doors at my expense. I have enclosed a copy of the invoice and would like to be compensated.
Due to the increasing temperature inside the building most of the products are being affected. Please install an air-conditioning system to maintain an acceptable room temperature during the daytime. The air conditioning system needs immediate attention and further delays will have a negative effect on the business.


Regards,

Name

[tgillespie]

I would write this. Using a word twice in a sentence does not flow well. Also, break ins should be break-ins, as I have changed below.


"The two entrance doors have been severely damaged because of intruders trying to break inside the building when the business was closed. The damages caused by the intruders resulted in both entrance doors being inoperable. Therefore, immediate attention was mandatory for both doors since the building was vulnerable to future break-ins.
I have replaced the two doors at my expense. I have enclosed a copy of the invoice and would like the costs to be compensated.

Due to the uprising temperature inside the building, most of products are being affected. Please install an air-conditioning system inside the building, to elevate the proper room temperature during the daytime. The air conditioning system needs immediate attention and further delays will have a negative outcome for the business."


Also, shouldn't this letter be sent to your insurance agency?

[bjorkfan19]

"The two entrance doors have been severely damaged because of intruders attempting to break inside the building after business hours. The damage inflicted rendered both entrance doors inoperable. Immediate repair was necessary for both doors since the building was vulnerable to future break-ins.

I have replaced both doors at my expense. Enclosed is a copy of the invoice and I would like to be compensated.

Due to the rising temperature inside the building, many products are being affected. Please install an air-conditioning system to maintain proper room temperature during the daytime. This addition should be considered immediately as further delays will negatively impact the business."

[DarkDelight.net]

"The two entrance doors have been severely damaged because of intruders attempting to break inside the building after business hours. The damage inflicted rendered both entrance doors inoperable. Immediate repair was necessary for both doors since the building was vulnerable to future break-ins.

I have replaced both doors at my expense. Enclosed is a copy of the invoice and I would like to be compensated.

Due to the rising temperature inside the building, many products are being affected. Please install an air-conditioning system to maintain proper room temperature during the daytime. This addition should be considered immediately as further delays will negatively impact the business."

This is the best so far.

[phill2003]

only thing i would change now is.......

this

The damage inflicted rendered both entrance doors inoperable. Immediate repair was necessary for both doors since the building was vulnerable to future break-ins

to this.....

The damage inflicted rendered both entrance doors inoperable. Immediate repair was essential for both doors since the building was vulnerable to future break-ins

[okrogius]

name:

I'm writing to express my concerns over several factors of my business which require immidiate attention.

Severe damage has been dealt to two main entrance doors due to an intrusion attempt recently. Unfortunately, this has occurred in non-business hours, without me close by. More importantly however, the damage has rendered the doors inoperable. The required immidiate replacement, which without the building would have been left vulnerable to further break ins, was paid by myself. Since I believe this is not a part of my responsobility to finance building replacements, I would like to get compensated for this (see attached invoice).

Additionally, the air condition system is in need of attention. Due to the uprising temperatures inside the building, most of the products have been negatively affected by the heat. Proper temperatures are a crucial necessity to doing business, and a new air condition system needs to be installed immidiately. Please make sure this gets the attention it deserves.

Thank you very much for your time. Looking forward to hearing from you.

Sincerely,
Name

INITIALS OF AUTHOR/initials of typer

---
Note: please double check and revise the above if you do use it. I typed it in two minutes, without necessary drafts, etc.

[phill2003]

i would go with that one ^^^^ its quite good apart from Several which i would say was supposed to be severe

[bjorkfan19]

That one has a more personable tone, but has a few typos. Also, "crucial necessity" is redundant.

[Kwak]

Thank you all for the editing.

Much improvements from what I've had.

[CeleronXT]

The two entrance doors have been severely damaged due to intruder(s) attempting to gain unauthorized access to the building during post-business hours. The damaged inflicted rendered both doors inoperable. Immediate repair was essential for both doors, as the building was vulnerable to future break-ins.

I have since replaced both doors at my own expense. Enclosed is the copy of the invoice; I wish for compensation.

Due to the rising temperature within the building, many products are being adversely affected (you might want to expand on this?). Please install an air-conditioning system to maintain proper room temperature during the daytime. This addition should be considered immediately as further delays will further negatively impact the business.

[Andy Z]

Dear <Lawyer>:

Due to a recent break-in, two of the main entrance doors were rendered inoperable, and required immediate attention to prevent further theft from the property. I have had them replaced at my own expense, to solve the issue at hand and I now require compensation, as the responsibility of maintenance to this building does not fall to me. Enclosed is a copy of the invoice for the door replacement.

Additionally, due to the lack of air conditioning on the premises, many products have been affected. I request that adequate air conditioning be installed promptly, to prevent further deterioration of the merchandise. This situation is more critical due to the summer temperatures, which cause the interior temperature to rise much more quickly. Quick action will ensure that the damage is kept to a minimum.

Regards,

Name

[CeleronXT]

Sounds like Andy Z's is best.