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  • Help to correct this in English... >.<

    Hi guys... I know this sounds n00b, but I have no other places to go as it's a bit urgent.. pls kindly help to correct the paragraph below, how is the correct and better way to express it, thanks SOOOOOOOOOO MUCH!!

    COMPANY.com is new, it is a baby in the industry. But staffs at COMPANY are already highly skilled and experienced, COMPANY is ready to produce the highest level of works, and is doing its best to prove it to you. By temporarily waiving the requirement of down payment, we want you to have ZERO risk when having us achieve a high level of work. You have your high-end project go live without risk.
    TT

    [ VReplay ] - Advanced in Design

  • #2
    First of all I would advise against saying you are new. New = unreliable in a lot of clients minds.

    How about something like :

    With a dedicated and highly skilled team Company.com will provide you with quality results in today's unforgiving business environment. With no down payment necessary, for a limited time only, you can sample the fruits of our skill and dedication with absolutely no risk at all. See your ideas grow and watch as your dreams become reality.
    Hell yeah! I should seriously be in marketing . Anyway just a quick five minute job there, I am sure someone will be able to do it better than me.

    Comment


    • #3
      Its April 1st already??
      MCSE, MVP, CCIE
      Microsoft Beta Team

      Comment


      • #4
        That was actually very good Cromulent
        MCSE, MVP, CCIE
        Microsoft Beta Team

        Comment


        • #5
          Originally posted by Cromulent View Post
          With a dedicated and highly skilled team Company.com will provide you with quality results in today's unforgiving business environment. With no down payment necessary, for a limited time only, you can sample the fruits of our skill and dedication with absolutely no risk at all. See your ideas grow and watch as your dreams become reality.
          OMG!! Thank you Cromulent SOOOOOO MUCH!! It's tooooo much better than what I have writen, I'm so far away from using English well, I hope one day in the future I could reach your level.. Thanks once more!!!
          TT

          [ VReplay ] - Advanced in Design

          Comment


          • #6
            Originally posted by Cromulent View Post
            First of all I would advise against saying you are new. New = unreliable in a lot of clients minds.

            How about something like :

            Hell yeah! I should seriously be in marketing . Anyway just a quick five minute job there, I am sure someone will be able to do it better than me.
            I would agree with Cromulent. You really do not want to go telling people you're new, but you don't want to lie about it either (if asked).

            Cromulent you should think about marketing.

            Comment


            • #7
              Originally posted by AtlantisService View Post
              I would agree with Cromulent. You really do not want to go telling people you're new, but you don't want to lie about it either (if asked).

              Cromulent you should think about marketing.
              Thank you! In fact it's my first time for writing something like this, and I am really not sure how customers would react to my words, and as that would become my very important promotion at the begining of my business, I hope I would not see the negative results caused by my amateurish English.. Please believe me.
              TT

              [ VReplay ] - Advanced in Design

              Comment


              • #8
                Hey Cromulent, congratulations. That's a fabulous job. Why don't you start your online editing business. Think about it. ATB

                Comment


                • #9
                  Originally posted by Micfo.com View Post
                  Hey Cromulent, congratulations. That's a fabulous job. Why don't you start your online editing business. Think about it. ATB
                  Thanks for the kind words . Never really thought about that to be honest, good idea though. Maybe I should take a look over at sitepoint and offer my services there, you never know I guess.

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                  • #10
                    Leave it to Cromulent to embiggen the English language!

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      I can't get my thinking head on. Anyone fancy translating this into something that will catch the readers attention instead of throwing it in the bin?

                      To whom it may concern:

                      I’m writing to inform you that we can offer your business a fantastic advertising rate on our local community website, Burnley and Pendle Online.

                      Burnley and Pendle Online is a growing community featuring local discussion forums, image gallery, games arcade and much more. At the present time we have 600+ registered members and twice as many visiting guests per day.

                      Burnley and Pendle Online’s ambition is to provide a fun, safe and friendly place for people to talk about local issues and meet local people.

                      To place an advert on the main page of our website at the size of 144px x 150px costs £50 per year, whilst a banner at the size of 468px x 60px placed on the popular pages featuring the discussion forums costs £200 per year.

                      Many thanks for your time in reading our offer and I look forward to speaking to you soon.

                      Yours sincerely,
                      [URL="http://www.aviationweb.net/"]Aviation Web[/URL="http://www.aviationweb.net/"]

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Originally posted by Neal-UK View Post
                        I can't get my thinking head on. Anyone fancy translating this into something that will catch the readers attention instead of throwing it in the bin?

                        To whom it may concern:

                        I’m writing to inform you that we can offer your business a fantastic advertising rate on our local community website, Burnley and Pendle Online.

                        Burnley and Pendle Online is a growing community featuring local discussion forums, image gallery, games arcade and much more. At the present time we have 600+ registered members and twice as many visiting guests per day.

                        Burnley and Pendle Online’s ambition is to provide a fun, safe and friendly place for people to talk about local issues and meet local people.

                        To place an advert on the main page of our website at the size of 144px x 150px costs £50 per year, whilst a banner at the size of 468px x 60px placed on the popular pages featuring the discussion forums costs £200 per year.

                        Many thanks for your time in reading our offer and I look forward to speaking to you soon.

                        Yours sincerely,
                        Okay lets have another go .

                        Dear Sir / Madam,
                        I am excited to offer you the chance to advertise on our website, with over 1200 visitors per day for only £50 per annum. Your adverts are guaranteed to reach a large number of the local population for a fraction of the cost of traditional advertising (correct if this is totally wrong - probably not a good idea to lie).

                        Our aims are to provide a fun, safe and friendly place for local people to discuss issues that matter to them.

                        For more details about this offer please visit (ADD WEBSITE URL HERE) and follow the instructions provided.
                        My reasons for the above edit were simple; basically if I receive any marketing stuff I am unlikely to read it. If I do I may just skim the first few lines, in my version all the information they need to get interested is contained within the first sentence. Once they are hooked, they will continue to read. Cut out some of the fluff that does not interest advertisers, all they want to know is potential audience for their investment and how much of an investment they will need to make to reach that audience.

                        In your version the important information did not appear until the second and forth paragraph and by that time I would have deleted / thrown out the advertising material. Once they visit the URL specified you can fill them in with as much fluff as you like as you know they are really interested by that point. The aim of this letter / e-mail though is not to provide information as such, but to promote interest.

                        I'm sure I could do this better given some time but that is a reasonable edit to go on.

                        Anyway that is the last of my free editing service. If you become a millionaire off this don't forget me!

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          I wont, don't worry. Just sending it to some local businesses. It's a shame that the local council near me pay or support local community websites run by businesses, but don't offer help to those who spend their own money!

                          If it works, I will send some cash your way my friend. You should think about a little website offering your services.
                          [URL="http://www.aviationweb.net/"]Aviation Web[/URL="http://www.aviationweb.net/"]

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Hey Cromulent,

                            You have already started doing it over here online business.[for free though]
                            If you are serious about the site then just let me know, will be able to help you out in getting the basics [space, plans etc.] of the website. ATB

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Originally posted by Micfo.com View Post
                              Hey Cromulent,

                              You have already started doing it over here online business.[for free though]
                              If you are serious about the site then just let me know, will be able to help you out in getting the basics [space, plans etc.] of the website. ATB
                              Thank you for the offer, but I really don't have the time at the moment to get a site up and running and then to run a business. I'm pretty engrossed in a few other things at the moment.

                              Comment

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